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Runner Comes Out As Asexual - Testing Reveals Low T


Ultramarathon runner Gary Martin experienced quite the journey over the past year, but it wasn't just literal mountains and valleys he bravely walked through, there was so much more...

Gary began pursuing ultrarunning shortly after his first 5k, a race put on by his CrossFit gym.

"I dove right in," Gary recalled, "I was chomping at the bit for the next big challenge."

Over the subsequent months, Gary ditched the weight room in exchange for hours spent daily in the woods. He developed what he describes as a "weird addiction" to running,

"I honestly don't know where the hours would go. I'd just keep running and running. And running."

Gary shared that during his runs, he often found himself on a "vision quest", and felt his attention turning solely inward. He would ponder deep thoughts such as, "Why am I doing this?" and "What if humans are actually just avatars?"

Eventually, over several months of slow training, Gary found that he really felt nothing at all. He could no longer find joy in running, in friends, in his girlfriend, sports, food. Nothing. He simply felt a void.

When it was time to sign up for his next race, he noticed the new option to enter as non-binary. Gary finally felt an awakening in his being.

"That's when I knew. I knew I was asexual," Gary remembered somberly, "It finally made sense."

Gary released a heartfelt social media post to his friends and family. He was met with some confusion, but mostly he said he felt seen and supported.

Gary raced the competitive 100k ultra as a non binary runner, and finished in a legendary 1st NB place, 100th overall out of 178 runners. He was awarded 500 dollars for his endeavor.

"It really wasn't even that hard!" Gary said of his incredible finish, " I just kind of walked and kept moving."

Gary invested the prize money in a blood panel test to better understand his needs as a newly competitive NB athlete.

"Yeah it was eye opening. Turns out my vitamin D was extremely low, and my testosterone was basically nonexistent. So weird."

Gary plans to decrease his daily long slow mileage in favor of some other styles and methods of training to see if he can better his time at the next race. We are rooting for you, Gary!


Update: As of the release of this article, Gary has taken a break from running ultras. He returned to lifting heavy weights at his gym. He no longer identifies as asexual or non binary. He is now married to wife Jennifer, and the couple have a daughter on the way.

Note, this is purely a satirical piece.

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